The Depth of A Mind
by Wayward Victorian Girl
Summary: [COMPLETE]Mikan reflects on her life and how she has ended up in Arisu's Psychiatric Hospital. WARNINGS: character death, mental illness, a little graphic.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape, or form own Gakuen Alice.**

**A/N: Hello, and Welcome to my second Gakuen Alice story! throws confetti alright, I don't know how long this story is going to be so bear with me; I may take a while to update. So, read the prologue and tell me what you think!**

**Prologue **

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The tape recorder was set down with a faint slam and I lifted my eyes up to meet his. They had a serious yet soft look and I felt myself relax a little. No need to get everyone worked up. He pulled a pair of thick rimmed glasses and a pen from the front pocket of his white lab coat. There were three things on the table separating us, and he reached for the beige folder with my name on it. After scribbling a few notes down, his eyes met my calm face again. I had gotten pretty good at controlling my emotions and expression since I arrived at this place.

"Alright Miss Sakura, lets start from the beginning" he closed the folder but kept it in his lap "why don't you tell me about Persona?"

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**A/N: Edit: October 5, for better reading. Any reviews are welcome!**


	2. Faint

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Gakuen Alice.**

**A/N: Thank you so much to Regine33 and manimefrances** **for being my first two reviewers! I know the prologue was REALLY short, but each chapter will get longer. Alright I don't want to say what mental disorder Mikan has yet, but I gave some more clues. Anyone want to guess? Edit: October 5**

**Chapter 1 – Faint **

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His question should have shocked me, or had some huge impact on my feelings, but it didn't. I suppose that was why I had the others, and surely they were going to come out during this session. I closed my eyes, searching around in my brain for the memories of Persona, ignoring the quiet murmurs in my head. 

"He was our teacher. I had never really known him except from a far, but he became my teacher when I was put into the dangerous abilities class. Narumi-sensei thought it would be best until they could further analyze my alices. I was just happy that I got to be with Natsume."

He nodded his head, urging me to go on. Thoughts of Natsume filled my head, along with the voices that seemed to be getting louder.

"I can only remember a few things about Natsume, and some of things we did together. I remember how he used to pick on me when I first came to Gakuen Alice. After a few years he became really protective of me," the voices were hard to talk over "and he even became my boyfriend when we were fifteen…"

I started to withdraw from the room. The darkness was creepy upon my vision, my body started to sway but I straightened up, already having some idea of what was going on, before I lost complete control and everything succumbed to the darkness.

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"Miss Sakura?" The doctor's voice was faint, but I forced my eyes open, and found myself exactly where I had been; at the end of the table, the tape recorder still taping, and the folder still in the doctor's lap. Though the third item, a sleek black notebook lay only a foot away from me. 

"Are you alright, Miss Sakura? Would you like to end the session, or…"

"Can you call me Mikan please," I interrupted "and no, I'm fine now, I just think that one of them came out."

He didn't say anything for a second, then nodded his head and opened the folder. "Yes, Michi did come out, but we will listen to the tapes later," he closed the folder and proceeded to face me again "just go on with the story. What do you remember about school?"

It didn't take long for more images and memories to come up; the beautiful pictures of Central Town and Hotaru. "I remember my first two years at Gakuen Alice. At first, no one liked me, but I gained their friendship even though I was a bit scatter brained. After my transfer to the dangerous abilities class, the memories become less vivid. I can only remember sitting next to Natsume."

I started to feel like I was being pulled back again. I forced my eyes shut and once again gave myself away to let one of the others have a chance to talk.

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A/N: Any reviews are welcome!**


	3. Rouge

**Disclaimer: not mine**

**A/N: Alright, I hope this chapter is longer. As for Mikan's illness; its not Schizophrenia. She will find out what she has in the next chapter or so. Any spelling or grammar mistakes I am sorry for! Enjoy.**

**Chapter 2 - Rouge**

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The next day was almost the same as the last; I came in, I sat down, I looked around the room a little. The only thing that made it different was the flash of a small red light. I found myself staring at it, and even leaning into the table. 

"We are going to start video taping these sessions now, Mikan" he continued to scribble some words down in the folder "I believe this will help when we review."

I could only nod, still slightly absorbed in the angry red. My vision broke away when the doctor took the folder from his lap and slapped it on the table. He placed his pen down too, and took of his glasses.

"Tell me about the mission you and Natsume would go on," he folded his hands and waited for my words "What were those like?"

I told him of the missions we went on; the ones in which human life was taken away, the ones in which no human contact was made. Some of the memories have distinct clear images, and others are like watching movements in the dark.

We talked a lot about Natsume; I described him as best I could. I was aware of the others and their soft, sad voices. I was suddenly hit with a question I had I feeling I didn't want to the answer to.

"Where is Natsume? I can't seem to remember what happened to him…"

The doctor looked surprised for a moment and didn't speak. He put his glasses back on and grabbed the folder and pen.

"We will talk about him more later," scribble, scribble went the pen "lest move on and talk about your school friends and teachers."

It seemed like we were in the room for hours. I talked about Hotaru and Ruka, and Narumi-sensei. We even talked about Howalons. My past before I left for Gakuen Alice was left alone, as I knew the others were dying to get a chance to speak, and had to tell the doctor I was starting to leave the room. Persona was also left alone, "we have the entire day tomorrow to talk about him". The voices grew louder at the mere mention of his name.

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A/N: Love it, hate it? Review please.**


	4. Escapism

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Gakuen Alice**

A/N: I know these chapters haven't been very long, but this one and the rest will be longer as I will be introducing Mikan's others and going over her past memories. WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICT LANGUAGE. (It's only one word though).

**Chapter 3 – Escapism **

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Three days later, it was time to watch the video. I was directed into a new room in which the doctor was already sitting. I sat down in the other chair, and the straps were tightened around my arms and wrists. This could not be a good sign. 

The small TV in front of us was paused on my curious face. The doctor pushed a button on the right of the box and I saw myself begin to lean into the screen.

"_We are going to start video taping these sessions now, Mikan"_

We watched the session from two days ago. It was nothing new, I remembered saying those things and none of the others were present. The screen turned dark, and a few seconds later the time on the bottom left hand corner changed to yesterday's date.

"_Alright, lets talk some more about Persona" _I watched my eyes blink slowly and close, my head falling to the side. My heart gave a lurch; I wondered who I would get to see.

In a flash, I was sitting straight up again, eyes alert, hands folded on the table. They grabbed for the notebook and the pen, scribbled a rough note and placed everything back as if it had been untouched.

"_Sorry Mikan, but this is for your own good." _My voice was sarcastic, with a hint of irritation. My expression had totally changed. I squinted at the screen; my eyes were a dark shade of red. The doctor scribbled some notes in the folder again, and asked me what my name was.

"_I'm Mitsuko. You want to know about that bloody bastard Persona, I have lots of information."_

"_Okay,"_ the folder must be overflowing with writing by now _"so, Mitsuko, you took the memories of Persona from Mikan?"_

"_I had to; she couldn't handle what he did to her and Natsume. I felt the need to protect her,"_ she glared at the table, and I felt that it took a lot for her to say those words _"especially from Rin."_ A look of pure dislike flashed in her crimson eyes.

"_Rin" _the doctor's face held a questioning look.

"_Oh don't worry, you'll meet her later. She's sooo anxious to talk about her little attempt."_

"_Do you communicate with the others? Do you talk to Mikan?"_

"_Mikan can hear us, but she doesn't know which one of us is saying what, so she doesn't talk back. We use the notebook to tell her when we used the body, what day, how long, stuff like that."_

My face was glued to the screen. It was true; I never knew who was saying what, the only things I had of describing everyone was by their writing and what they told me in the notebook.

"_Alright, can you tell me more about Persona? What exactly did he do?"_

Mitsuko shut her eyes for a few seconds before she spoke. _"He…liked to play with Mikan. He saw her as his little doll. Natsume he tortured by hitting, and Mikan he…hit and assaulted."_

Her eyes shut again_"Do I have to describe it in detail? These memories are bad enough; I don't want to have to relive them."_

"_Just tell me anything you can. I'm going to review this tape with Mikan so she can learn about what happened to her." _

Mitsuko took a deep breath _"Alright, but Michi already wants to come out. So I'll make this quick."_

"_He beat Natsume and Mikan countless times after failed missions. After he heard about them beginning in a relationship, he would make Natsume watch as he…assaulted Mikan. Natsume was always restrained and could only fight against the restraints. Once he did throw a really good punch at Persona; burned his whole chest and some of his shoulder."_

"_Well, that's all I can tell you for now. Michi wants to come out now."_

With that, Mitsuko relaxed in the chair, her red eyes closing quietly. A minute later the body shot up, fuchsia eyes open wide, hands clutching the table. It relaxed a few seconds later, hands reaching for the notebook and neatly looping the letters.

"_I'm Michi by the way, but you should already know that." _Michi's voice was quiet and steady. I was on the edge of my seat; what memories did she have?

"_Yes, I remember. We didn't get to talk too much about Natsume in that session. Can you tell me anymore memories you have" _the doctor asked while taking the folder and placing it in his lap.

"_Alright, but only because Mitsuko said talking about the memories will help Mikan. These memories are really hard to relive." _

"_Natsume and Mikan didn't like each other at first; Natsume liked to call Mikan 'Polka-dots' or 'Strawberry Print', which drove Mikan crazy. After the first two years in Gakuen Alice, it was obvious they liked each other a lot. Natsume was very protective of Mikan and that protection increased when they started to go on missions."_

"_Persona found out about their relationship and did more horrible things to both of them. Mikan was always terrified after Persona left, only calming down when Natsume consoled her."_

"_Another incident with Leo rose up and Mikan was sent with Natsume to corner Leo until Narumi and the others could capture him. Natsume cornered him and his men when Mikan was attacked. Natsume's concentration focused on saving Mikan and Leo…" _Michi's brilliant eyes filled with tears _"Leo stabbed Natsume repeatedly in the back."_

"_Mikan elbowed her attacker, turned around, and punched him so hard he flew into a wall and was knocked out. She hurried over to Natsume, barely breathing and could only watch as Leo and his accomplices drove away."_

"_By the time they took Natsume back to Gakuen Alice," _the tears were silently spilling over Michi's pale cheeks _"he was already dead." _

My eyes grew wide. There was no way…but what about…I couldn't handle this new news. The voices were trying desperately to calm me down, as I began to fight against the restraints. He couldn't be dead, he just couldn't. The doctor was by side, also trying to calm me down. My face was wet with tears; I hadn't realized I was crying.

Some nurses came into the room, and I felt a sharp pain in my arm. My vision went blurry, the voices were too quiet now, the darkness was too inviting.

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A/N: Reviews make writes very happy! And all reviews are appreciated.**


	5. Rain Drops

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice**

**A/N: Well…it's been a WHILE since I've updated, though school takes up too much of my brain and leaves me with little space to think about anything else. That combined with a major issue of writers block (I get it ever year at the same time!) has led to this much delayed chapter. Thank you to all my reviewers for supporting this story; especially since I didn't think it would get so much attention. Enjoy the chapter!**

**P.S. Mikan is 19 in the story**

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****Chapter 4 – Rain Drops**

I woke up to the sight of the tile ceiling staring down at me. I shut my eyes, forcing my brain to remember why I was lying on my back, where I was, what had happened. And then I heard one distinct voice, separated from all the others. One calming soft voice telling me I had fainted and was carried to my room.

I shot up into a sitting position and looked around. I found the doctor sitting in chair on the right side of my bed flipping through the notebook I now knew contained all of our writing.

He noticed me sitting and closed the book, "Ah, Mikan, are you feeling better your long slumber" he questioned.

I blinked before answering; how long had I been asleep? "Yes, I guess I must have…I think I couldn't take hearing about his de—…what happened."

He nodded, "Yes, I expected that reaction from you, but it will help you in the long run to face everything now, and then we can work on healing."

"So, I am going to do a quick check up on you, and if you feel you are ready, we can continue to review the tape." I nodded as he began to check my pulse and then flashed that little light bulb in my eyes.

After the sun made the windows turn pink and the walls orange and after I had eaten, I found myself strapped back into the chair, facing the frozen TV. The doctor pushed the button to the right of the TV and the time on the bottom left hand corner began to move. It was the same session I had been watching when I learned about what happened to….him.

I watched myself on the screen look up and face the doctor, slightly squinting my dark green eyes.

"_Do you have an extra pair of glasses?"_ my voice was slightly lower than normal and there was a touch of sophistication. I leaned in towards the screen, waiting to see who this was.

The doctor searched around for a minute before pulling a pair of thin black rimmed glasses from his right pocket.

"_Thank you," _I put them on and folded my hands neatly on the table _"My name is Midori, by the way. Michi said it would help Mikan if I tell you about the memories I have."_

The doctor scribbled a quick note in the folder _"Yes, she is right. Anything you can tell me about Mikan's past will benefit her greatly."_

Midori nodded _"Right, yes, well my memories are of the dangerous abilities class and of Gakuen Alice."_

"_Things were going well after Mikan's first year and the second year was fine as well, though her class mates would still make fun of her aloofness. After the discovery of her second Alice, people regarded her with more favor. But her classmates in the dangerous abilities class did not welcome her at all."_

"_Natsume would make them shut up and the comments were not sent to her directly anymore. But she still felt the effects. After a particular horrible incident in the class while Persona had to visit Narumi-sensei, Mikan created me to shield her from further harassment."_

The doctor had started to take notes again _"Can you describe this event?"_

Midori closed her eyes and breathed a few times before answering.

"_Persona had asked some individuals to answer a question on the board, Mikan being one of them. When he left, two of the older boys began to tease her and erased her work. She tried to fight back but they began to use force."_

"_One pushed her to the ground while the other grabbed a pair of scissors. No one really noticed, and those that did didn't say anything. They cut her arm up pretty bad and were close to cutting off one of her pigtails, but Natsume, who had just got to class, pulled them off of her and burned their fingers."_

"_Mikan was excused from class and Natsume did his best to console her, but the damage was already done. After that every time Mikan was put on the spot in class, I switched with her and stayed until class was over. I simply ignored the teasing they gave me and after what happened, Natsume never left Mikan's side."_

"_Did Mikan's other friends," _the doctor flipped to the back of the folder _"Hotaru Imai, Ruka Nogi, Yuu Tobita or Yome Kokoro know of the teasing?"_

"_No, at least not all of it, though they did sense that something was wrong with Mikan. She usually had a fake smile and was often zoned out. She tried her best to seem like her normal self, so as not to make anyone worry about her."_

"_After Persona started to abuse her, she turned to self-mutilation; growing her nails out and making deep scratches on her shoulders, ripping some of her hair out, biting her wrists, and once she even threw herself down the stairs, hitting her head on the edge of the bottom step, though most of this was because of Rin."_

The doctor looked up at this last sentence _"Rin, who is Rin?"_

"_You'll meet her later," _Midori straightened her glasses, looking slightly worried _"And I suggest you try and get on her good side; she is capable of anything." _

The doctor nodded, closed the folder and told Midori that she was very helpful. I could feel the memories of the incident in the classroom come into my mind, but I wasn't afraid. I could handle this, I could get better.

The doctor put the video on pause, and we discussed what I was thinking. A lot more memories had started to come back to me, but only the ones that Mitsuko, Midori and Michi had talked about. Natsume's….death was still hard for me to think about, but I remember it.

I wondered out loud how many more "alters" (as the doctor referred to them) I had.

"There is only a little more tape left. Riko is next to come out and them Rin. Are you sure you are okay, Mikan?"

I nodded and asked for him to play the tape; I was anxious to see Riko.

The pictures on the screen began to move again, and we watched as Midori left my body and I was draped backwards over the chair. Five seconds later and I was sitting straight up, dark blue eyes alert and a small smile on my face. The smile was gone when my hands pulled the borrowed glasses from my face.

"_Here you go Doctor-san__,"_ my voice was higher than my normal voice, almost as if I were a child again _"Midori-chan asked me to give these back to you and to say 'Thank You'."_

The doctor smiled and put the glasses back in his pocket as I said some more.

"_Oh! I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Riko, I am 10 years old and I calm Mikan down when she gets too upset and I try and calm everyone down when they start talking at once, but it usually doesn't work."_

"_So you can all talk to Mikan" _the doctor asked

"_Yes, but she usually doesn't talk back, she just hears us all talking at once. And she doesn't know which one of us is saying what, so she usually just tries to ignore us."_

"_Do the others talk to one another?" _

Riko nodded _"We all talk to each other, especially Mitsuko and Rin, but they get into fights most of the time and I have to try and break them up. That's what gives Mikan so many of her headaches. Did she tell you she gets headaches?"_

"_No, she didn't,"_ the doctor scribbled something in the notebook _"now, can you tell me about what memories you have?"_

Riko closed her eyes; her face becoming very calm as she spoke _"My memories are of Mikan's parents and her grandfather. She made me so I could hold those memories and she wouldn't get sad and want to go back to the country. She said she had to stay here for Natsume and if she kept thinking about her parents and grandfather, she would get too sad and want to go back."_

"_But, I only have limited memories of her parents, since she didn't have that many when she transferred them to me. The only things I can remember are that her parents died when she was very young and the only thing she bases everything of her parents on is from the stories her grandfather used to tell her."_

"_Was she ever neglected or abused as a child" _the doctor asked.

Riko shook her head _"No; even though her childhood was tragic, she was never neglected even when she was living with her parents before they died. And she was never abused."_

The doctor nodded and continued to write things in the folder. I was beginning to wonder if there was any white space left at all.

"_Is Mikan going to be alright Doctor-san," _Riko asked, her blue eyes filled with anxiousness _"Because Midori told me that people like Mikan that make others in their minds are supposed to have really bad childhoods."_

"_Midori is right, but Mikan is going to be fine, don't worry."_

Riko relaxed and they talked for another minute before the screen went blank and the doctor turned off the TV.

The sky was a midnight blue outside, dotted with little twinkling stars. My mind was racing with a thousand questions, but I didn't voice any of them. The doctor walked me back to my room and said we could talk as long as I wanted in tomorrow's session.

I nodded and closed the door silently, turned around and slid down to the floor, burying my head in my hands.

The memories I had tried so hard to keep out of my mind were coming back and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I gazed at the full moon illuminating my room through my open curtains, wondering what was going to happen next.

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**A/N: Loved it, hated it, let me know! Oh, and all the information about Mikan's disorder (which WILL be revealed in the next chapter, if you haven't already figured it out) is true. Any review is welcome! **


	6. Autumn Breeze

**Disclaimer: Gakuen Alice does not belong to me. **

**A/N: Okay, I rewrote the ending. Thank you Nori-chan for helping me with the last sentence and thank you to everyone who sent me lovely reviews! Enjoy the final chapter.**

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Chapter 5 – Autumn Breeze**

This time I brought a blanket. The temperature inside the hospital dropped a full 20 degrees and the same chair in that same room began to feel like ice burning my skin. The doctor left the restraints off this time, allowing me to sit in my warm blue cocoon.

Today's video starred the infamous Rin. I had heard each one of my alters—yes, I had become highly educated in Multiple Personality Disorder since my diagnosis— talk about Rin and now the time had finally come for me to meet her…sort of.

Her grey eyes were the first thing I noticed. They were the coldest eyes I had ever seen. She sat slumped in the chair, thoroughly glaring at the doctor, twirling a lock of hair around her fingers. And then she spoke.

"_I'll cut all the crap about what my name is and stuff, because I know you already know me. Those stupid bitches in here," _she pointed to her head _"yap and bitch about me like there's no tomorrow."_

"_Alright then, could you tell me about some of your memories" _the doctor asked, shutting the folder and setting it, along with his pen, on the table.

"_I remember Natsume's death, everything about it, and I had to deal with it because poor little Mikan couldn't handle it!" _Grey eyes grew even more angry, as Rin sat up straight, snarling.

"_And what did they expect? That I would be a 'good little sheep' and take the memories so she wouldn't have to bear with them," _She threw her arm over her eyes, exposing the pale white skin with the thousands of reddish scars _"bullshit! I wasn't going to do that!"_

She shot up out of the chair, yelling and pounding her fist on the table, making the folder and pen shake.

"_So when I accidentally cut my finger looking for the journal, the pain made me forget all about those stupid memories. I had to feel that again. So I cut."_

Surprisingly the doctor didn't move to write all this new information down. He just sat still; face resting against his intertwined fingers, elbows on the table.

"_I cut anytime I could; I was addicted to the pain. I loved it, and I loved making Mikan suffer. She would cry every time a new scar showed up and was forced to hide it from her suspicions friends."_

"_After Natsume died, Mikan became more and more depressed. She didn't fight me anymore and stopped crying, whispering late at night that she didn't think she had anymore tears. I hated her, but I did feel a little bad. I stopped cutting for a couple of weeks" _Rin slumped down again

"_Well, that wasn't too wise, since I couldn't handle thinking about those memories. They hurt me as much as I knew they would hurt Mikan. And one night, after switching with Mikan when she was asleep, I climbed out of bed, fiddled around in the nightstand's drawer, looking for a flashlight, and ascended the stairs to the roof. Once I got up there I cried in angry sobs how much I hated Mikan and how I didn't want these memories, how I wished I never had stopped cutting."_

"_I looked down at the flashlight, only to be surprised that I had grabbed a pair of scissors. It was like seeing the sun after a whole month of rain. I sliced both of wrists and screamed as the pain filled me, throwing out all those stupid memories. The blood stained Mikan's white pajama shorts as I turned around and fell off the roof. The only thing I remember was looking up at the oh so pretty stars before I hit the ground and everything went pitch black."_

The doctor finally couldn't handle not writing and was scribbling every thing she had said in the folder, which had many papers neatly stapled in it. They talked for a while longer before the tape finally cut to static and we were done.

I was completely speechless. This new information was just not making any sense, though it did explain why I had two bandages on my wrists when I was first admitted here. I glared at the floor, well, it wasn't going to be easy to get along with Rin. I sighed, feeling suddenly exhausted, as the doctor got out of his chair and stood in front of me.

"We're finally done with the tapes. How are you feeling" he asked me.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply "honestly, I am just glad that we are done with this part."

He smiled slightly, "well, now that you have dug up all your memories, we can start the next step of your treatment. But it could take many years."

I opened my eyes and nodded "I know, but I think I can do it."

"I am glad you have a positive attitude. Now…" he talked with me for a few more minutes before leaving the room and telling me we would start therapy in two days.

I pulled my knees up, turned my head towards the window and rested it on my knees. The purple and pink sky looked like a painting. I watched as the autumn breeze carried a single greenish brown leaf though the air, set it on the window still and leave it there to bask in the rays of sunlight and solitude.

**END.**

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A/N: Run-on sentence at the end. Hope you liked it, any reviews are welcome! **


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